Always Sun

If the clouds change
I will still see their beauty
When summer fades
I will find the glory of autumn
And when leaves fall and turn to snow
I will make a snow angel.

Pieces

Have you ever broken something that can't be fixed? I have, and lately I've been going back and looking at the pieces and feeling each one break all over again. It was awhile ago, this thing, but even still I can't shake the guilt and pain. I feel the same as when I was about, well lets just say somewhere around 7. I had taken my brother's new cassette tape player and headphones to use while I did some chores outside the house. I was using these big scissor things (?) to cut the grass close to the trees. Now in order to do this you must lean over some, and being a kid and uncoordinated I left the cord to the headphones dangling between my pocket and the headphones. So as can be assumed I accidentally cut the cord to the headphones. Upon discovering the reason for my loss of music I promptly walked in the house, up the stairs, and into my brother's room to leave the cassette player where I had taken it from in the first place. Later I was questioned about the headphones. I said "I have no idea, sorry!" Later, the guilt got to me and in a bout of tears confessed all to my mother. But the hours between the breaking and the reconciliation were brutal. I felt the blow of every part of my mistake. I felt guilty that I took something that wasn't mine without permission, I felt guilty that my brother would have to go without headphones for a few days, I felt guilty for lying, and I thought about it for hours. I took the situation and broke down every misdeed and promptly punished myself with guilt.

But now that I'm grown and know that piling on the guilt is (after a certain point) not fair to myself. Yet I can't help but wonder how to stop punishing myself for mistakes in life that can't be fixed.

Big, big, love

Do you allow yourself an exception? Or the possibility of one? I'm not sure I have, but I've always wanted to maybe think of allowing myself one. Or I suppose I've always wanted to think that there was an exception. But wouldn't it be great to find big, big, love--I live to find that, to see it, to experience it. I think that kind of love is the best thing in the world, the only thing that really matters. Because the challenge of life is to allow someone to love you (as in big, big, love). Its not easy to let someone love you, or to everyday, relentlessly, love someone else. Do you wake up and ask yourself "how can I love __________ (fill in the blank) today?" I think that would be a great way to live happy.

I heard a story

I heard a story today about a boy. He moved through life in his own stride. He felt, and he knew. Someone spoke in his heart, and he felt the tremors of change first. In his own moment, knew. The power of this knowledge burned in his heart, wounds no one could touch. And the earthquake hit.
Knowing what he knew, prepared him for the blow. But only in that one way. The strength he felt, wavered. Knowing doesn't always change the outcome. Alone he suffered his knowledge, alone he must stand. For everyone. But the stones beneath him began to crumble.
Maybe today he can say the words, and again walk through his life in his own stride. But his step is a little different, each one taken with a little more weight.

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I wrote this back in September of 09 when I heard a story, this is what I thought after.

Walls

My life is surrounded by walls

In a box I stand

Stand yet I feel the fall

I paint the box black

And feel the darkness settle in

I begin to wonder… When?